We’re going to Colorado at the end of May, and I’ve convinced myself that I need new clothes.
Because the clothes that I have and wear every day simply won't do.
I mean, of course there are other reasons why I need new clothes... (Not any good reasons, but a couple of fake not-so-good reasons that I've made up in my head.)
Like - "It's almost summer!" - therefore - "I need SUMMER clothes!" ("Summer clothes". As if the only clothes that I have in my closet are made of wool.) "I don't have, like, ANY shorts." (I don't. I don't know what happened to them. They're just gone. Did I even wear clothes last summer?) "I want, like, CUTE summer clothes."
"Cute" summer clothes. Not any of these crappy, not-cute 2017 Summer clothes. Ew. "I need, like, something I can wear for summer concerts." (Have not been to a 'summer concert' in five years. I am officially the sad-almost-thirty-year-old that pretends she is still young and cool enough to go to 'summer concerts'.)
You can tell this based on my recent purchases -- three pairs of ripped up denim shorts. At $70 each.
EACH. Seventy dollars. For pants that aren't even real pants. And have the word "Wedgie" in the title...
I think the part that no one prepares you for as a "style blogger" are the weird things that are going to come out of your mouth: "I really need to take more outfit pictures", "Wait - wait, don't eat yet, I need to get a picture", "Do you think I should buy a white rug? For blog pictures? All of the other bloggers have white rugs."
Remember when we only took pictures of, like, normal things? And it didn't matter if you had a white rug?
Here's the newest one that I've been walking around saying for two weeks: "I really need to buy an orchid."
Kyle: "Why an orchid?"
Me: "I don't know, because it's Spring-y. I want our apartment to feel more Spring-y."
There are several reasons why I "needed" to buy (totally did not "need" to buy) an orchid. Not any good reasons – but several not-so-good reasons.
My parents sent me a stun gun as part of a care package in college.
I figured I should open with that, so that when I say, “I found my stun gun in a shoe box in the back of my closet over the weekend” – ya’ll don’t think I’m the kind of girl who:
A) knows where to buy a stun gun, and -
B) keeps it in a shoe box in the back of her closet. Nestled next to a scarf and a pair of high heels.
Because that’s where it was. Who knows why. Who packed that box when I was moving?
Me. I packed it. I packed all of my boxes. And when I ran across that stun gun, I was probably like, “Well, I don’t have a box marked ‘Weapons’ …. sooo let’s just put it in this shoe box. That should be fine.”
That makes about as much sense me having a stun gun in the first place...
I'm not big on superstition, but I once held a rabbit's foot in my pocket while I was taking an important exam.
And by "important exam", I mean a sixth grade science test, and by "rabbit's foot", I mean a picture I ripped out of magazine of Justin Timberlake. It was earlier that year when I discovered a "lucky rabbit's foot" was legitimately supposed to be, like, you know... a rabbit's.. FOOT ... and I was like "EWWW!!! What kind of sick person carries around some dead rabbit's chopped off foot? How does that bring them good luck?"
It doesn't. When you think about it, the concept IS a little Jeepers Creepers, ya know?
But a picture of Justin Timberlake during his Ramen noodle hair and N'sync days? Yes. That will TOTALLY bring you good luck! Probably. If you write the answers on it somewhere in very small print and only look at it occasionally when the teacher isn't paying attention. Ya know, for luck.
Of course I wasn't smart enough to do that. Which is probably why I thought I needed a "lucky charm" to get through a sixth grade level science test in the first place. As long as I had a picture of my fake boyfriend "Justin from N'sync" in my back pocket, I was sure to do well. It was magic, and luck, and the Gods and a higher power - and my crazy little eleven year old brain that legit thought some sort of voodoo could make me a really good guesser - all working together.
Ah, to be eleven and weird again.
Here's something I never thought I'd say: "We need shelf liner."
Shelf liner used to be just one of those dumb "extra", "Mom"-type things that somehow found it's way into every apartment that I've ever lived in - cut up, and laid flat in the kitchen cabinets.
I say "somehow" like it magically appeared there. It didn't. My mom would buy this stuff for me - because she's a mom, and it's kind of a "mom" thing - and say "This is to line the shelves of your kitchen cabinets before you put the dishes away." And I would say "Oh, okay, cool" - even though I had no idea why. Does it stop your plates from sliding around? (Can plates really just "slide" around in there?) Does it stop your glasses from smelling like *shelf*? (Aka, wood). Can it keep you from getting splinters?
I don't know. It might just be wallpaper for the kitchen cabinets. But - whatever it does - I knew that I needed it for our new apartment before I could put the dishes away. God forbid we put away our Target brand plates and funny wine glasses that say things like "I make pour decisions" into a cabinet with naked shelves.