We’re going to Colorado at the end of May, and I’ve convinced myself that I need new clothes.
Because the clothes that I have and wear every day simply won't do.
I mean, of course there are other reasons why I need new clothes... (Not any good reasons, but a couple of fake not-so-good reasons that I've made up in my head.)
Like - "It's almost summer!" - therefore - "I need SUMMER clothes!" ("Summer clothes". As if the only clothes that I have in my closet are made of wool.) "I don't have, like, ANY shorts." (I don't. I don't know what happened to them. They're just gone. Did I even wear clothes last summer?) "I want, like, CUTE summer clothes."
"Cute" summer clothes. Not any of these crappy, not-cute 2017 Summer clothes. Ew. "I need, like, something I can wear for summer concerts." (Have not been to a 'summer concert' in five years. I am officially the sad-almost-thirty-year-old that pretends she is still young and cool enough to go to 'summer concerts'.)
You can tell this based on my recent purchases -- three pairs of ripped up denim shorts. At $70 each.
EACH. Seventy dollars. For pants that aren't even real pants. And have the word "Wedgie" in the title...
My parents sent me a stun gun as part of a care package in college.
I figured I should open with that, so that when I say, “I found my stun gun in a shoe box in the back of my closet over the weekend” – ya’ll don’t think I’m the kind of girl who:
A) knows where to buy a stun gun, and -
B) keeps it in a shoe box in the back of her closet. Nestled next to a scarf and a pair of high heels.
Because that’s where it was. Who knows why. Who packed that box when I was moving?
Me. I packed it. I packed all of my boxes. And when I ran across that stun gun, I was probably like, “Well, I don’t have a box marked ‘Weapons’ …. sooo let’s just put it in this shoe box. That should be fine.”
That makes about as much sense me having a stun gun in the first place...
Here's something I never thought I'd say: "We need shelf liner."
Shelf liner used to be just one of those dumb "extra", "Mom"-type things that somehow found it's way into every apartment that I've ever lived in - cut up, and laid flat in the kitchen cabinets.
I say "somehow" like it magically appeared there. It didn't. My mom would buy this stuff for me - because she's a mom, and it's kind of a "mom" thing - and say "This is to line the shelves of your kitchen cabinets before you put the dishes away." And I would say "Oh, okay, cool" - even though I had no idea why. Does it stop your plates from sliding around? (Can plates really just "slide" around in there?) Does it stop your glasses from smelling like *shelf*? (Aka, wood). Can it keep you from getting splinters?
I don't know. It might just be wallpaper for the kitchen cabinets. But - whatever it does - I knew that I needed it for our new apartment before I could put the dishes away. God forbid we put away our Target brand plates and funny wine glasses that say things like "I make pour decisions" into a cabinet with naked shelves.