I used to think that if I wore “boyfriend” jeans, people might think that I actually had a boyfriend. Isn’t that why they call them boyfriend jeans? Because maybe your boyfriend left them at your house and – instead of putting on your OWN jeans that morning (you know, the ones designed for your female body type that actually fit) – you were like, “Oh, maybe I’ll just wear my BOYFRIEND jeans”.
Because that makes sense. Why wear your own clothes when you can wear your boyfriend’s clothes that were wadded up in a ball on your bedroom floor?
At least that was how I’d always imagined it. Like Boyfriend spent the night, and we woke up together and maybe I left the house before he did – you know, for bagels or something – and I just slipped on his jeans because they looked soo comfy. And because I wanted the world to know that I had a boyfriend, and that maybe he was still at my place, and that maybe he wasn’t wearing pants.
This doesn’t make sense for a few reasons: 1) It’s weird. Why am I stealing his jeans? Why wouldn’t I just steal his sweatshirt like a normal girlfriend? 2) If I wanted to be “comfy”, why wouldn’t I throw on sweatpants? Even if they were “Boyfriend’s” sweatpants? Sweatpants are exponentially more comfy than any form of jeans that have ever existed, even men’s jeans that are baggy and have extra room in the crotch area. 3) Men’s jeans are baggy and have extra room in the crotch area. Seriously. Even if Boyfriend and I were the same size – and I’m going to level with you here, boyfriends and I have never been the same size – his jeans would not be comfortable. Jeans are not soft and blanket-y like over-sized sweatpants. They’re made of denim. You’re wearing baggy denim. How many times have you said to yourself, “Gee. I can’t wait to go home and throw on my baggy denim sweatpants…”…. oh, right. Never. Because that’s not a thing.
It turns out “Boyfriend jeans” are NOT your boyfriend’s jeans. I reiterate: THEY ARE MADE FOR WOMEN, and sold in the women’s section, and are designed for a WOMAN’S body type. (I know, right? Who’dathunk it!) They get their name from being baggier and a bit less fitted than say, skinny jeans, but just because you wear them, people are not going to assume that you have a pants-less boyfriend waiting on you at home. If you want people to think you have a boyfriend, send yourself flowers at work and tell people they’re from your fake boyfriend named Steve – buying a pair of cowboy Wranglers and parading in them around town is only going to confirm that you are, in fact, single. Probably. People definitely won’t assume that you have a boyfriend.
For the record, Boyfriend jeans – the real ones, not the Wranglers – are actually pretty cute when paired with heels. I don’t know that I have the fashion-ambition to wear heels with jeans (I usually don’t, I’m just going to be honest here, I like to be comfy when I have the rare opportunity to wear jeans) but they are cute with a flow-y blouse (is “blouse” an old lady term? I don’t know.) and some long necklaces. Maybe add a leather bomber jacket if you’re feeling sort of bad-ass? And a trench coat. Definitely a trench coat. Because while only heels and a trench coat might say “stripper”, adding boyfriend jeans say, “I’m not a stripper. Look at me. I’m wearing my BOYFRIEND’s jeans.”
See what I did there? Eh? Eh? Okay, I’m done now. Goodnight.